It's Not Fair

We visit the hematology/oncology office about every 3 months now for a blood check on Ethan.  It's been a pretty long time since I've expected or been worried about what numbers we would get back. But the last couple times I've found myself wrestling with the idea that it's not really fair that we get to come in for a quick test every few months, while the patients in the room next door and across the hall have been there are all morning taking their third and tenth round of chemo.  It doesn't seem fair.  Statistically, we have a 100% chance of leukemia without a bone marrow transplant.  And so I have the very unnatural thought...it's not fair, my son should have cancer.

 Don't hear me wrong.  I do not wish cancer on my sweet boy, I don't wish it on anyone-like ever.  I just wrestle with this incredible gift of healing we've been given.  We don't deserve it.  We did nothing to earn it. It is absolutely only a gift.

And yet with this gift, I feel a weighted responsibility not to waste it.  To make sure I keep realizing it as a gift and to be continually overwhelmed with gratitude for it.  So if you get tired of seeing pictures where my oldest son is holding up a band-aided finger or a copy of his latest lab results, you might just want to unfriend me:)  Because I won't stop giving thanks for this gift, even if it's becoming normal and unexpected to have good numbers, I desperately want to be faithful in gratitude to Jesus.

Today I looked across the hall at a precious, but very sick, 8 month old and then I looked at my healthy boy, whose greatest concern was beating me at Sorry, and I realized I will never understand the sovereignty of God.  But I could never have peace without trust in His sovereignty.

I don't know why we have this gift of healing.  But I want to be faithful with it and I want to pray this gift is given to others-so many others.

Journeying on with much gratitude,
Sara